Renkotsu's Diary
by YuriAnna
Summary: Diary, that’s another village we’re 'officially' banned from. Well, it doesn’t matter. None of us particularly want to return, especially after Ginkotsu razed the place.


Diary, it's been another boring day. We arrived in some insignificant little village searching for some idiot. The latest lord Bankotsu found wants a bandit assassinated. Stealing sacred temple scrolls or some such nonsense. If he wanted a damn _bandit_ killed, he could have hired any thug. I feel insulted. But we need the money, and the rest of them feel like killing someone.

Someone must have tipped him off, however, as there's no trace of him here. Oh, well. Ginkotsu's probably off testing his new flying disks on the local livestock; I just saw a cow's head fly past. He'd better not get blood on me _again_. Suikotsu's had a relapse and is playing with some children. Mukotsu's off getting married again. I think this is his thirty-second, but I've lost count. Thankfully, Jakotsu's having another fling, and by fling I mean picking some unlucky idiot, chasing him until he (the idiot) collapses, and killing him. At least he won't be bothering the rest of us. There's really nothing more to say.

Diary, we found the bandit. I would probably admire his spirit if I was that kind of person. He actually tried to fend off Kyokotsu with a dagger. That attempt lasted all of ten seconds, but was valiant nonetheless. I managed to save some of his scrolls before Ginkotsu razed the place. They're disappointing, however. He must have hidden the sacred wisdom somewhere else, because all I got was some rambling about water lilies. I gave them to Mukotsu to romance his next wife/victim. I think I might have just felt a spasm of pity for the girl… No, it was the fish we had for lunch.

Jakotsu spent the rest of the afternoon sulking because he didn't get a shot at the bandit, then he tried hitting on me again. I set fire to his favorite kimono, the one with the chrysanthemums on it. Now he's sulking even worse and Bankotsu is giving me dirty looks. The sooner we get to the next town, the better.

_Renkotsu is a meanie:( You suck, Renkotsu! You'd better watch your back from now on! I can't believe I ever liked you!_

Diary, apparently I haven't hidden you as well as I'd thought. Someone seems to have scribbled on a few pages and drawn a picture (poorly, I might add) of me dismembered. I wonder whom. Jakotsu, if you're reading this now: Touch my possessions again and your butterfly hairpins are next.

Diary, new contract. This one is actually fitting of the Band of Seven: a roaming samurai who's been causing some trouble for our client. Jakotsu found out from the bemused lord that our samurai is indeed handsome, so he's been skipping along like a little girl. Mukotsu is boring us all by reciting the horrible water lily poetry; when we get to the next village, I might just pick up a woman to parade her around in front of him.

Diary, I am reminded again of why I never bother with women. This particular female was especially annoying, but very beautiful, which was enough to send Mukotsu into one of his little rages. If I never hear a screechy, feminine voice trying to seduce me again it will be too soon. I left her right back at the teahouse I got her in under an hour. Alive, surprisingly enough.

Jakotsu keeps asking me how my date went and bursting into fits of giggles. He won't be laughing so hard when he finds out I gave her his lipstick. Suikotsu went doctor again on us. He's off healing the sick or some nonsense. I still don't know why we took that man on…

Diary, I retract my previous statement. Suikotsu's back to… well, not exactly normal, I'll admit. He's in psycho-killer mode again, although that foolish doctor did put up a valiant struggle against the forces of darkness. I will never understand why someone who becomes a violent maniac at the sight of blood became a doctor, but whatever. That's another village we'll never be able to go back to, mostly because it's now a smoking hole in the ground.

Number of kills to date: 744 demon, 690 human

-Bankotsu

Diary, it's not like I wouldn't give him paper if he asked…

We're having no luck with our mystery samurai. The problem with wandering warriors is that they wander. Ginkotsu's been complaining that his weapons will get rusty if he doesn't use them, so Bankotsu sent him off to kill dinner. I _tried_ to warn him, but he's so pig-headed sometimes. He'll wish he'd listened when he's confronted with an entire forest's worth of deer, all blown into little pieces. I'm certainly not going to help them try to cook the mess. Good thing I keep my own dried food.

Jakotsu's been waking us up with his nightmares again. There'll be a moment, right after he comes to, where he loses his normal airhead look and seems genuinely terrified. We all know why, of course: his mother. No one asks about it. There's an unwritten rule, you see. You don't talk about the past. I mean, I don't know what screwed up Mukotsu so badly or why Ginkotsu's half metal.

I know Bankotsu enjoys the nightmares. He gets to be masculine and heroic and comfort Jakotsu in his time of need. It's so disgusting I might as well go sleep back at the teahouse. Still, I wonder what Jakotsu's mother did to him. Whatever it was, she really scarred the man. I know if I ever met her, I'd kill her. I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in months thanks to that wench.

Diary, still no sign of the samurai. We've decided to turn around and ask the lord for more details. Jakotsu's moping again because he didn't get to play with the man. We have to avoid the main road and take a detour, though. Earlier today some kind of explosion hit the area. No one knows too much about it, though Ginkotsu says they don't have the technology for that kind of blast around here. Strange.

Diary, I found out what caused the earlier explosion. Jakotsu, for whom there is not a strong enough expletive, stole my gunpowder and set it off. All of it. And to make things worse, Bankotsu caught me with his butterfly hair clips and made me put them back. I did, but not before making a few comments about Bankotsu's huge sword and the possibility of overcompensation. His eye's twitching. Just wait until we get to the village.

Diary, I returned to the teahouse and located the hell-woman. She wasn't pleased to see me until I gave her quite a bit of yen (Jakotsu's) and explained that Bankotsu and Jakotsu were interested in her. I should probably feel guilty about sending her off to her death.

On a brighter note, Ginkotsu bought me some new gunpowder. At least someone around here can do something useful. Mukotsu's scaring the teahouse women, and Suikotsu shifted back to psycho, so it's probably best not to speculate what he's doing.

Number of kills to date: 800 demon, 712 human. Man, I'm good.

-Bankotsu

Diary… Well, I guess everyone needs a hobby.

Jakotsu tried to kill me. I'm not sure whether he likes me or not, but he's currently nursing a few first-degree burns. Bankotsu is not pleased. Jakotsu got his lipstick back, though. He doesn't seem to want to use it now.

This samurai is becoming more and more of a problem. The lord told us he'd been sighted recently in a clearing just beyond the village, but none of the villagers seem to know he exists. Of course, having Kyokotsu aimed at you would probably promote forgetfulness… I'm the only one who seems suspicious, but I don't trust this whole situation. For God's sake, what is Mukotsu doing now?

Diary, that's another village we're "officially" banned from. Well, it doesn't matter. None of us particularly want to return, especially after Ginkotsu razed the place. But it's for the best. I cannot believe—no, scratch that, I completely believe the way Mukotsu disgraced the Band of Seven and made an utter spectacle of himself in the village square.

Not being given to such pursuits, I don't really understand the details of male-female romance (it's impossible not to hear about male-male with Jakotsu around), but I do know that when a woman tries to kick your face in she's not interested. Mukotsu apparently does not know this. He's still insisting that she was madly in love with him.

I'm a little sketchy on the details, but it seems that, in his pursuit of this particular lady (I saw her; she's quite fast) he somehow wound up running in circles in the village square, covered with tea and with a duck on his head. I don't want to know. Now the little idiot's sulking at the back of the party and reading that horrible water lily poetry.

Jakotsu keeps laughing whenever I remark on how stupid the whole affair was. Laughing and dropping subtle hints that I'm like him. Unfortunately, Bankotsu's walking up ahead, so I don't dare try anything. Please. Like I could ever be like Jakotsu. Now Ginkotsu and I have to go talk about our huge weapons.

To help in the healing of minor wounds, cuts and scrapes:

Boil the stems of the common white flower that grows on the base of mountains in the northern region for precisely two hours. Let sit overnight in a cool and dry area. Remove the stems and add the bark of the tree with hand-shaped yellow leaves that grows near waterfalls. Grind until—ahhhhMwahahaha, kill! Kill them all! KILL!

Diary… I don't think I want to know. And those had better not be bloodstains.

Diary, I must say I'm impressed. Prior to this, I'd placed Kyokotsu's level of intelligence at somewhere around "beetle," but now I think he may actually be up there with the reptiles. Possibly even a small mammal. But I suppose I'd better start from the beginning.

As we were traveling, growing ever more frustrated by this elusive samurai, we came upon a traveling merchant. Now, this unfortunate fellow had the audacity to speak to Bankotsu (I believe his word was "hi"), which, of course, ended in his painful demise. Nothing particularly noteworthy.

However, as we went through the former merchant's possessions, we discovered that he was actually carrying what seemed to be some valuable spices. At this point Kyokotsu's eyes, which are normally set on "duh," lit up. And then he started examining them with the strangest look on his face. It may just be the lack of fiber in our diets, but I could swear there was actual _cogitation_ going on. Anyway, he said that we should start setting camp for the night, as it was getting dark, and he'd worry about dinner.

Well, we took his advice. Mukotsu is still mooning over the hell-woman, Suikotsu started on the camp, and Bankotsu and Jakotsu disappeared for "sword practice." (I'm so sure.) Ginkotsu needed to be oiled, so I helped him out with that, and before long dinner had rolled around. I'll be completely honest—it was excellent. Almost scary. Kyokotsu said the most intelligent thing I'd heard from him yet: "The secret to good cooking is putting a lot of heart into it." It's not like him to say figurative things like that; he's pretty literal when he does talk.

Whatever that spice merchant was carrying, we need to get more. Come to think of it, Kyokotsu spent a lot of time around that body… And considering that Bankotsu made a pretty clean kill, it's kind of bloodier than I remember… Especially around the chest…

Oh, crap. Must vomit!

Number of kills to date: 827 demon, 759 human

-Bankotsu

While we're in the village, we need new lipstick, face cream, a new kimono. I deserve one!

-Jakotsu 3

Also new oil. And gunpowder.

-Ginkotsu

And more snake venom; I'm all out.

-Mukotsu

Diary, I'm simply leaving you out, sitting in the middle of the campsite, because apparently hiding you is doing squat. And because I know you're all reading this, I have a statement to make: The next time I see handwriting that isn't mine, the Band of Seven is going to become the band of Six Point Nine, that missing point one being somebody's head. Is this clear?

We love you, Renkotsu! ; )

-Jakotsu, Mukotsu, Kyokotsu, Suikotsu, Ginkotsu, and Bankotsu

Diary, I am just so bored right now. It's not that I don't love my job, but sometimes I wish there was more, you know, killing and dismemberment and whatnot and less wandering around looking for people. When we finally find this samurai, I'm going to personally gift-wrap him and present him to Jakotsu.

There's nothing to do at all. Hmm…

Number of times Suikotsu has asked if we're there yet: 32

Number of times Jakotsu has hit on me: 25

Number of times I've threatened to set fire to him: 26

Number of times Jakotsu has hit on everyone else: 8 (Should I be flattered?)

Number of times Bankotsu's eye has twitched: 40

Number of times Kyokotsu's told that stupid joke about the princess, the centipede demon, and the jug of sake: 18

Number of times we've had to stop so somebody can kill something: 12

Number of ti

Ginkotsu! How could they do this to you?

Diary, okay, everything's calmed down now. We were attacked, and they got Ginkotsu. I can't believe we were caught off-guard like that! Bankotsu, who managed to actually fight one of our attackers before I destroyed them all in a blaze of fire, insists that they weren't any ordinary bandits. He says the guy fought like a samurai. Which is actually kind of strange, considering this area is fairly close to the lord's castle and rogue samurai are rare.

Luckily, Ginkotsu should be fine. They only managed to damage his metal leg, so I'll have to forge him a new one. He's been meaning to upgrade for a while now, anyway. We can make him stronger… faster… _better_ than he was before!

Jakotsu's commenting about how close Ginkotsu and me seem to be. I'll forge _him_ a new one…

Diary, Ginkotsu's cooling now. It went pretty well, all things considered. Bankotsu and the others are off getting drunk somewhere. Something feels off; the villagers around here seem jumpy. Even more than usual, I mean. I guess I'm the only one who notices it.

Sometimes I wonder a bit about the rest of the Band of Seven. How can they all be disemboweling people one minute and sitting around drinking and making merry and whatnot the next? Mukotsu's easy; he's just a sick, evil little person. Kyokotsu doesn't understand anything more complicated than "Kyokotsu smash!" and, sad to say, Ginkotsu's pretty similar. Suikotsu makes it all simple by just being two different people. Jakotsu… well, I think he's just got happiness and violence all mixed up in his head anyway. I would almost feel sorry for him if, a, I felt pity, and b, he wasn't such a flaming, annoying little person.

Bankotsu, though, I just don't get. And that bothers me. The others I could take down some way or another if it came down to it, but he really scares me sometimes. Ah, well, at least we've got Jakotsu to keep him in check.

Ginkotsu's moving around again. I do such good work. Now he's gone off to join the rest of them. Can he even taste alcohol? I guess I'll just sit here and think or something.

Great, what's that noise now? It sounds like

Renkotsu can't write anymore because he has to come party with the rest of us and stop sitting around being so dull. And now I'm going to scribble all over this page. Hahaha!

-Jakotsu

Diary, one of these days I'm going to kill them. All of them. Right after the pink elephants stop dancing and the world settles down. I'm sure there was something wrong with that sake.

We got yet another tip on the mystery samurai. Have I mentioned that I hate that man? I hate that man. Surprisingly enough, the particular villager that saw him also mentioned his "artfully tousled waves of raven hair," so Jakotsu just had to drag us out looking at the crack of dawn. Bankotsu isn't walking with him today, I see. He's off comparing the finer points of swordsmanship with Suikotsu in a very loud voice and casting pointed glances at Jakotsu.

I would make some sarcastic comment if my head didn't feel like Kyokotsu was pounding on it. Note to self: no more sake, ever.

Okay, we're almost at the clearing where said mysterious samurai was supposedly sighted. Jakotsu actually is drooling. Ugh. No sign of him yet… The air feels kind of tense. I'm getting nervous. Wait!

Is that… an army? And… another one? Wait, what… Oh, shi


End file.
